“If they’re old enough to love, they are old enough to grieve.” It’s a quote that’s been shared by many grief experts over the years, and it holds true today. If a child is old enough to love someone, they are old enough to grieve the loss of them.
But it’s often also said that children are the “forgotten grievers.” In an effort to shelter them from the pain of loss, we sometimes forget to allow them in places where grief is present, like a cemetery. Is it ever okay to bring a child to a cemetery? Not only is it okay, but it may also help them understand grief in a healing way.
Why You Should Bring Your Child to a Cemetery
Visiting a cemetery can be a vital part of a person’s path through grief. Many people find cemeteries to be restorative, a place where they can see evidence of the beauty of the world and remind them that there is life all around them. It’s also a place of gathering where loved ones can find comfort and support through togetherness.
Cemeteries are also like a tether between this world that we are in now and where our loved ones and ancestors have gone. It provides a point of connection where people often feel the presence of their loved ones the strongest.
These healing experiences shouldn’t just be for adults. In our desire to keep our children away from places where they may be sad, we do them a disservice. Visiting a cemetery as a child can be confusing, but it can also be necessary for their grief journey.
Steps to Take to Prepare Your Child for a Cemetery Visit
1. Talk about what they’re going to see.
If your child has never been to a cemetery before, explain to them what a cemetery is and how it’s special. Try not to use euphemisms, as children can sometimes be confused when we don’t put things more plainly. It’s okay to say that’s a place where people visit their loved ones who have died.
You may want to connect it with their beliefs. If your family believes in an afterlife, you might explain that while the spirit has moved on, the body remains in the cemetery, but people find it healing and helpful to visit cemeteries to feel connected to those they are missing.
2. Remind them to be respectful—but that doesn’t have to mean silent.
Especially as there may be other mourners at the cemetery, it’s important to remind children to be respectful of those around them. They should also understand that it’s essential to be respectful to those who are buried there, such as by not harming gravestones or removing anything from atop a burial place.
But it’s also important to let them know it’s okay to show emotions as long as it’s respectful. They may want to cry, and it’s good to remind them that it’s okay to do so.
3. Get them involved.
Even after you explain what a cemetery is for, a child may still not understand why they are going to one. Before going to the cemetery, get them involved with planning the trip.
Maybe they can help you pick out flowers for your loved one’s grave. Or they can help you write a letter to them with all of your child’s favorite memories with that person. Kids like feeling like they are a part of things. And just as you may find comfort in leaving flowers or a letter for your loved one, your child may also find the act healing.